There are times when we feel cheated; be it in relationships with partners, friends or spouses. How do you deal with the situation? Do you lash out and cut all communication, or do you accept and forgive. Here are reasons why the latter is the better choice:
1. Reflects well on you Forgiveness doesn't come easy. So, when you decide to forgive it reflects well on your principles. If the other person is asking for forgiveness, it means that they regret their actions and do feel apologetic for their behavior. Give them a second chance.
2. Tells you where your relationship stands Forgiveness is often the best test of the tenacity of a relationship. When all is hunky dory, there isn't anything you can have a problem with. How you deal with the bad times will define how strong your bond really is. It'll also provide you an insight into your own behaviour by letting you find out how far you're willing to go before you draw the line.
3. Let it go and make peace Don't just forgive, instead, forgive and let it go. If you forgive on the surface, it just improves the face value of things. Truly learn to let go and see the other person's mistakes as a fault that they're working on. Once you let it go, it'll give you a sense of wellbeing as well.
4. Express your feelings Forgiveness doesn't mean that you plainly accept apologies and let things pass. Let the other party know what and why their behavior has annoyed you. This way, not only will they be in the know, it'll also set a trend where even in times of disagreement there is always room for dialogue.
5. Give yourself time It's critical to be forgiving, but it's also as important to give yourself time to settle in. Many a times, when we forgive people, we might still be upset about something. So, it's best to let the other person know about this and assure them that in time things will go back to normal.
When dialogue happens, agreements and disagreements often follow. In case where the latter takes over the former, the skill lies in staying calm, no matter which direction the discussion swings.
Here are a few tips on how you can keep your cool:
1. Observe: One rule that must be followed at all times and especially during disputes is that of observation. Although this comes with a bit of practice, start by observing your voice, your temper and your mind; it will only do you good. The minute you sense your nerves getting worked up and jittery, take a step back and disassociate yourself.
2. Breathe: The most clichéd suggestion in the book actually works wonders, but only if you let it. No matter what the other person is saying, just focus on your breath and consciously deep breathe in and out for the next five seconds. Not only will this help calm your frayed nerves but as an added bonus, it'll also get the other party to stop talking because there is never any fire without fuel.
3. Distract: When people advise you to 'count till ten' what they really mean is 'distract your mind'. Divert your attention to something else; it could be a song you like, a scene from a movie you just watched, a funny incident at work or thoughts of a loved one, anything that will take you away from the present situation.
4. Rationalize: The power of reason may be the farthest thing from your mind while in the middle of a verbal dispute, but attempt to rationalize. Given the discussion at hand, is it always your way or no way, always a right and a wrong? Most importantly, is the topic of discussion really worth wasting so much energy on? Spend a few moments thinking on this and you will be surprised to find most arguments uncalled for and not worth your time.
5. Agree to Disagree: This boon of an attitude has gone many a mile in settling unruffled feathers. Accept that there are and always will be differences of opinion on most matters that are subjective. While some might be in support of your views, some may not. If you are confronted with an issue you feel strongly about, lay down your views and reasoning, it's up to the other party whether they wish to accept it.
Remember, no argument is worth it; a level headed discussion is.
Are you always having heated arguments with people who matter, and saving the best of your behaviour for people who don't? Many of us unleash our frustrations on the people who are closest to us. In the process, we end up hurting our loved ones and create distances that take years to bridge.
When a loved one hurts you, try and think about all the good that they have done for you in the past. You will see a lot of pain getting erased. You will then realize that it is after all not fair to forget all good deeds for one bad deed.
Expectations are a root cause of most fights and heartache. If you stop expecting a lot from your friends and family, you will see most conflicts getting erased.
Equally it's important to know how others perceive you. If your friends and family think that you lack warmth then they are probably right. You may love them a lot, but if it not getting translated in your behaviour, you shall have to work on it to meet their expectations.
Sometimes it's important to be expressive about your love for the people who matter to you. Gift them flowers, talk to them about how much you care, look them up when they are ill, call them up just to ask how they are doing. Any gesture that makes them feel and believe that you care will make your relationship with them positive.
You may choose to forget everything else, but remember one simple truth of life: When you desperately need support, people who stand by you are the ones who love you and the ones you need to value most in your life.
The world is full of people who don't see eye to eye on everything from the smallest of issues to the largest. We also often encounter people who disagree with us just to pick a fight and create trouble. Falling prey to such people and getting angry each time you have to face a different opinion will only harm you in the long run. Here are five tips to help you handle differences of opinion:
Do not fall prey to provokers: Learn to identify those who argue for the sake of arguing and enjoy having the power of disturbing your peace of mind. These are people you must learn to tackle. Do not let them play with your mind.
Be a patient listener: Often, our impatience towards others' opinions stems from our impatience to hear them out in entirety. If we do not understand their thought, we are likely to disagree. So hold your horses and let others express themselves.
Don't always talk to win an argument: Give up an argument if the other party is unwilling to bend. You don't always have to have the last word, not at the cost of your own peace of mind.
Place yourself in your opponents' shoes: Someone opposing your point of view is basically propagating his own. And his point of view deserves a chance. So that you can understand their side, slip into their shoes. Argue out in your mind their point of view and oppose your own. Defending their thoughts will help you see all its merits and demerits. For all you know, you might even agree with them later!
Be open to better ideas: You must have the strength to accept the superiority of others' ideas. Being rigid and not embracing their thoughts will only affect your growth, both mental and emotional.
Arguing is almost like a disease. An argumentative person is addicted to having the last say and this not only makes him or her unpopular but also poses them as an unpleasant companion to have.
But why does one argue?
Arguments happen because conflicts exist and the toughest thing to handle in any relationship is these conflicts. While a good and a fair argument can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your love or to your family or colleagues, many arguments are just hurtful and destructive. Arguments that never go anywhere, that are repeated year after year, or that leave you feeling awful about yourself are the ones that damage your inner peace and your relationships.
Arguments could also stem from an inherent need to prove yourself. An inferiority complex could be a cause for such arguments where in a person almost always feels the need to win the argument. In such case, one needs to understand that by constantly arguing you are only announcing to the world that you feel inferior.
Getting past the arguments
Lack of communication causes small conflicts to become heated arguments where issues are not resolved because both parties are trying to make their points and are not even listening to what the other person has to say. When you are about to plunge into an argument, stop for a moment and ask yourself the following questions:
1. Are you overreacting because you are tired and stressed? 2. Is the anger gathered inside you for someone or something else? 3. Are you being defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry? 4. When you raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you or is it something else about the person that has irritated you? 5. Is it hormonal imbalance that is making you unusually irritable or sensitive? 6. Is your mood being affected by illness?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes than you know that you are not being fair to the other person by arguing. Stop right there. Go to your space and play some relaxing music, read a book or watch TV. Do whatever, the idea is to distract your mind and give it some time to recuperate from anger and stress.
Avoid hurtful arguments by following these few simple guidelines:
1. Be concerned with being kind more than being right If you're kind to others and treat them well, you'll experience fewer arguments.
2. Develop the art of listening Listen to what the other person has to say and don’t answer back mindlessly. This will kill half your urge to argue.
3. Learn to keep quiet There will be many occasions when you'll want to respond to a comment someone has made, but if you do you know that it will be an invitation to an argument. Swallow your anger and urge to react and notice that no argument occurs.
4. Set standards for yourself What kind of person do you really want to be? Do you want to be known as an argumentative idiot or would you rather be known as tolerant and understanding. In view of how useless arguing is, learn to hold yourself to a high standard and steer clear from arguing.
5. See the other’s perspective also Try to understand the stance of the other party also. If possible, slip into their shoes for a while and then look at your arguments from their perspective… you might see some light.
6. Know Your Triggers around Arguing Become aware of what comments and situations trigger your anger and argumentative behavior. Learn how you can avoid getting trapped by them in the future.
7. Leave when a conversation is getting too heated Walking away may not be the best idea but it is better than letting an argument turn into an ugly fight. Just get up and leave. This will allow you some time to gather your thoughts and cool down. When your perspective is better you can continue the discussion from a more objective point of view.
Remember that no one ever wins a hurtful argument because it almost always leaves a bad taste behind. It has the capacity to severe ties, hurt emotions and create misunderstandings. So take a vow now and steer clear from this poison of hurtful arguments.