He cheated on you. You found out. He accepted his mistake and even apologised. He promised never to do it again but you are not sure where to go from here. We help you analyse the situation and take a decision.
1. Is he really regretful? You love him so you should know him well. Read his behaviour to figure if he is really repenting his actions. If not, there is no guarantee he won’t stray again. If he is remorseful about hurting you, he definitely deserves a second chance.
2. Will you be able to trust him again? Will you be able to forgive him, put this behind you and still live with him? Realize that a relationship is based on trust. After this ‘foundation of love’ has received a blow once, will you still be able to rebuild it? If not, then don’t give your relationship a second chance, because even if he never cheats on you again, the relationship will not survive if you continue to doubt him always.
3. How much do you love him? Is he someone you cannot imagine your life without? Has he been a perfect partner until now? Was he the one who himself came to you and confessed about his straying? If you answered yes to any of these, you may consider giving him a second chance, though not unconditionally of course. The fact that he confessed himself proves that he felt repulsed by his own actions and cannot hide things from. Such men usually do not live a relationship of deceit and are unlikely to cheat again.
4. Is he pinning the blame on you? If he promises he will not cheat again but nevertheless holds you responsible for leading him to it, drop him right now. Such a man will always put you on a guilt trip for his own pleasures and will be able to gift you with only suffering.
5. Make your stand clear If you decide to give him a second chance, do set the ground rules right. Tell him very firmly that you will not be as forgiving the next time around. In short, kill the chances of any third chance.
Do you start wanting to be in a relationship with any and every guy? Do you adjust, compromise, and suffer beyond a required point in a relationship, desperate to make it work? Are you perpetually scared of being single? If yes, you could be obsessed with being in a relationship.
Symptoms of relationship addiction Low self-respect, disregard for your own feelings and an uncontrollable desire to please everyone are all symptoms of a woman addicted to relationships. Find out if you are one...
1. Do you value his happiness more than yours? In a bid to make a relationship work, some women often tend to disregard their own happiness. They go against what their feelings tell them to do and instead work on only making the man happy. This makes them vulnerable at the hands of the men who think they can get whatever they want and treat the women as they like. If you fall in this category too, wake up now and start valuing you happiness and your feelings more than anyone else's.
2. Do you let a dead relationship drag? If you let a relationship drag owing to the fear of being single or out of a sense of duty then you are for sure a relationship junkie. Get help to rescue yourself from the clutches of pain.
3. Do you always suppress your anger? If you minimise, alter or deny how you truly feel about your partner's behavior towards you then you clearly are too scared to upset and confront him. And this is because you do not want to loose him, in spite of the fact that he does not treat you with respect and dignity. A clear indication of your addiction, this could be dangerous for your health.
4. Do you fear rejection? You feel good about yourself only if you are liked by your partner, your self-esteem is strengthened by solving your partner's problems and you hate to say no to any of his needs- if this defines you, you need to take stock of your life.
5. You get involved way too fast? If it does not take time for you to go from one relationship into another after a break-up, without even giving yourself sufficient time to heal, then relationships are more a matter of habit for you. Give yourself time for spiritual growth and try to figure what it is that you seek. Do not be scared of loneliness. In stead, be scared of being in a relationship that damages you.
“I have been dating this fabulous guy for almost a year now, but the thing is we belong to two different religious faiths. While I have no doubt he loves me, I don’t really see us as a couple. Could this be all a result of our religious differences that has him holding back? Or am I just overreacting?” says Leanne Pereira, Copywriter with a leading agency.
“We took the plunge; it’s our life after all! My family doesn’t have to live with the man, I have to. Though there was the family drama to deal with, we decided we were meant to be together.” It was this attitude that got Rina, a Senior Executive working with an MNC, her man.
While today both families are one happy household, here are some things you need to take into consideration if you are dating someone from a different religion.
The most important question is, how important is religion to you? Be honest. Will you be comfortable marrying someone who practices a different religion? When you're dating, you would most likely have an ‘ideal man,’ but does religion rank at the top of your list? Or is it even there at all? Would you want your future spouse to share the same faith as yours?
Says Leanne, “I would never want Ali to give up his faith, after all that’s what made him the man he is.”
Although the above questions may be ‘fundamental’ to some, remember you don’t need to give up your faith. This means that you could practice certain virtues or avoid some things. Spend time with your boyfriend’s family, observe them for things they may consider ‘vices’ that you don’t. And ask yourself if you're okay with it.
Another thing to consider is your children. When you have them, what religion will they be practicing? Would this be a problem for the both of you? This is assuming of course that neither of you is going to ‘convert’ to either one's religion in the near future.
The important thing is get to know the person you are dating — choosing a mate involves using your head and heart ¬— and to know whether you're comfortable with the religious differences. If the differences make you do things like ‘justify this to your family’ then think twice.
Are you very ambitious with only your career meter ticking in your head? Do you have die at desk mentality? Do you treat your dates also like another ‘to do’ chore featuring on your daily organizer? If yes, then you are a workaholic and no wonder you aren’t getting anywhere really with your love life.
Here are some tips that will tame the workaholic in you and will help you see life from another angle.
1. Figure if you are a workaholic and accept the trouble with it Being focused on work is great but you must accept that work cannot be your only companion. Every thing worthy demands time and finding a partner and later keeping him happy takes time as well. So you need to take out that time from your schedule and you need to invest you energy and effort if you really want to take a relationship further. Begin by accepting that you are a workaholic and that you need to look beyond work for a fulfilling life. Promise yourself some personal time and take it from here.
2. Get your priorities right When someone tells you they are too busy to call, they are really telling you that you aren’t in their priority list. When you tell your potential date or your partner this repeatedly, they obviously realize that they are low on priority for you and move on at the first opportunity. Love doesn’t happen by chance. And even if it does, sustaining it and nurturing it does not happen by chance. So get your priorities right and let your actions reflect this. If your date or partner are important to you then don’t let your busy schedule reflect something else. Nurture your love with gestures and words that express that you care.
3. Rule your own life Ask your self – do your dates usually get rescheduled and rescheduled again because of your busy and erratic work life? Has your partner walked out on you with the crib that you never have time for him and that you never ever give him the attention and the care he looks for? If yes, then you really need to get a grip on your life. Maybe you really don’t need to work the hours you do, but you have gotten into a routine and you have been working crazily ever after. Sure, work emergencies come up, but you need to realize that you are in control of your life. Not your boss. So learn to take a call.
4. Concentrate on your date when you are with them When you are with your date, pay attention, listen and talk to him since that is the only way you will figure if you connect or not. Use the time you are with him to truly get to know him, instead of thinking of your pending job list. Switch off that cell phone which is ringing forever and take a decision to remove office from your mind completely for those few moments.
5. Communicate! When you are at the office, take time during the day to email him or send him a quick sms to let him know you are thinking of him. Do this while you are traveling or taking a tea break or waiting for a meeting to happen. The idea is to find time to connect with him in such a way that your work doesn’t suffer either. Yes, it is bound to take effort on your part but all relationships do. And it’s worth it.
6. Don’t let your married colleagues take you for granted Being a single at work usually spells trouble. It means that you will be loaded with the extra work of your married cohorts. It means that you will be doing the late hours that are meant to be done by them. It means that your meeting a date will not be considered important as compared to their wanting to pick up their children from daycare. It means that you handle all business emergencies by staying on late while they leave on time each day. But it’s time you conveyed to them that even if you aren’t married, you need time for your personal recreation, that you are not available and that your time is just as valuable as theirs.
You will have to make some lifestyle changes if you want a successful dating life or a flourishing relationship. You will have to go out of your way and break the “work spell” for a successful dating life. So make that start now and you will soon reap the benefits. All the best!
Increasingly nowadays men are more willing to settle down after a while of courtship whereas it is women who are growing commitment phobic.
Figure if you are commitment phobic too?
• You are very fond of this guy but do you still avoid every situation that may lead to the discussion of your future together? • Do you believe in living for the moment only and is future planning an alien concept for you? • Does too much of love and attention scare you? • Do you believe only in flings and no strings attached relationships and are serious relationships a strict no no for you? • Do you get the jitters when you see a guy you are dating, getting emotionally too close or dependent on you? • Are you uncomfortable in his ‘territory', i.e. his friends, family, and social group?
If your answer to most questions is in affirmative then commitment phobia has definitely spread its roots deep into your system. Reasons for this phobia could be many.
Nitasha, 27, advertising professional with a leading agency says, “Somehow I never seem to be ready for marriage. I feel it will be an obstacle for my career. I want to be successful. I don’t want to give up my career for a guy. Looking at how most of my married friends are already talking divorce makes me feel that I am happier in a no strings attached relationship. I am not lonely and yet I am a free bird.”
Rujuta, 28, a HR Manager with a known publication says, “About 5 years ago, I was very serious about this guy and he seemed keen on marriage too. Just 2 weeks before the engagement, the guy dumped me for another woman, saying that he isn’t getting the gut feel about us. Post that incident, I have become very disillusioned about relationships. Flings have become a way of life for me. It’s almost like an unconscious involuntary reflex action.”
Suchitra Kaul, a psychologist who specializes in relationship counseling, explains the rise of commitment phobic women in the Indian society. She says, “Marriage most often spells adjustment and change in lifestyle of a woman. Current generation women grow up fostering dreams about a career and success, and are not willing to sacrifice everything in the name of love. She demands equal amount of adjustment and understanding from her guy, which is rare, thus starting her journey on the path of disillusionment. She keeps searching for that perfect guy who will fulfill all her needs, mental, physical and emotional, and in the process gets very demanding unconsciously and unintentionally. She keeps waiting for a better guy, keeping the guy she already has, hanging in the air.”
Whether it has been your experiences with men in the past or your focus on other priorities in life that has led to this commitment phobia, it is a state that is bound to take you the planes of loneliness at some point in life or the other.
Get ready to cure your phobia • Think about what is it that you are looking for? Success and financial stability is great but you do need to have a loving companion to share it with. • Get hold of the reasons of your phobia and analyze it without any prejudices. No past experience can disillusion you so much that you forget to love and trust. • If you have a guy who professes his love towards you and you mentally connect with the person, feel comfortable in his presence, are physically compatible with him and have no major issues whatsoever then why not get ready to give this guy and yourself a chance. • Take one step at a time. Do not set a target like marriage for yourselves. Let love take its natural course. Let your relationship grow to the level where you want to go back to your love every evening. Marriage will then automatically happen.
Remember that experiencing love and then losing it is better that not having loved at all. Grab phobia by its horns and tame your insecurities about your future. Go right in and take the plunge!